


Let go of your hate. You will be okay.

by Shootingstarprince



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: AU, Angst, Asriel is dead, Chara doesn't feel anything, Chara hates humanity, Chara is 17, Chara is agender, Depression, Flashbacks, Frisk is 16, Frisk is genderfluid, Frisk tries to help, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Suicide Attempts, Other, POV changing, Slow Burn, Swearing, They/them pronouns are used for both, Toriel and Asgore are divorced, Undertale HP and LV dynamics, mentions of cutting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7200095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shootingstarprince/pseuds/Shootingstarprince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(AU, where the war between monsters and humans never happened and the two races both live in the surface)</p><p>Chara was a young human, adopted by a family of monsters. They were very close with their loving parents, Toriel and Asgore, but the most important person in their life, was their brother Asriel. But then, one fateful night, everything Chara cared about was turned into dust. Literally.</p><p>(I know that the summary is shit, but the first chapter will make you understand everything.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What happened then and what happens now, are very differnt things.

**Author's Note:**

> So, heya everybody! This is my first undertale fanfiction and also the first story I post on AOT (woot woot) I'm on summer vacation at the moment, so I have a lot of time to write, which means that there will probably be regular updates ^^ 
> 
> Go ahead, get to reading. I hope that you enjoy and that I don't murder anyone with feels.

//Chara spent all of their free time with Asriel and always stood up for him whenever other human kids would try to pick on him. You see, most humans weren’t really fond of monsters and there had always been racism towards them. But Asriel was fine, because Chara was always there by his side…except, when they weren’t. One night, as Asriel was walking home from a friend’s house, he was brutally attacked by a human and died. Chara was heartbroken and everything started going downhill from there.

Chara grew up to be a distant and a cold teenager, with a soul of stone. They started hating humanity and every single human who walked the earth, including themselves. They had scars to prove the last statement. They got into fights with everyone who gave them a reason to punch them in the face, no matter if the person was a kid or an adult, had 1 HP or 9999, Chara would fight, simply because they could and because they liked it. All they wanted was to avenge their beloved brother. They denied their parents’ every attempt to help them get their life together and got in trouble instead. 

Then, at 17-years-old, they met Frisk. Frisk lived with Sans, who had been Toriel’s friend for years and once the skeleton decided to take them with him when he visited Toriel. Chara wanted to hate Frisk, like they hated every other human, but it was hard when Frisk was giving them every reason not to. Slowly but surely, Chara starts letting Frisk in and even becoming friends with them, but are friendship and blooming love enough to get Chara to stray from the dangerous path they’ve chosen to walk?\\\

-Chara (LV 1 HP 20/20)-  
Five years. Five years since Asriel’s death. Five long and agonizing years without my brother. Five years and they still haven’t found the one who did it, I bet they weren’t even trying, probably never did. Five years of being empty inside.

I’m seventeen, just turned last month. I don’t really care and didn’t care a month ago. I didn’t have a party. It would’ve been meaningless without Asriel. Besides, I don’t have anyone to celebrate with anyway. Having friends is meaningless when you can’t feel anything. Not that I would want friends anyway. Humans are all disgusting, filthy backstabbers and the few monsters in my school don’t trust me. Because I’m a human. And humans are disgusting, filthy backstabbers. I hate every human that walks this Earth, including myself. We’re all corrupted, worthless and disgusting. I’m weak, worth nothing and I disgust myself, trust me, I have a long list of suicide attempts to prove that.  
I used to be sad. I used to cry every day, acting like I was the victim. Pathetic, isn’t it? Then it stopped. I stopped. The world stopped. I just stopped feeling sadness and pain. Somehow, I just became so tired that I went numb. All there was left was dark, unforgiving HATE for mankind. I think I was around fourteen when that happened. Just a kid, huh? HA! I stopped being a kid when a half of me died along with Asriel. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I have a soul anymore, but I don’t care. Lacking a soul will make killing the fucker who murdered my brother a lot easier when I find them. 

Even though I’m cold hearted and a total fuck up, I have loving parents. My mother, Toriel and my father Asgore, love me. They want to help me give up my hate and turn into a real, living and breathing human with feelings again, but I refuse their attempts every time. It’s almost as if they don’t want revenge on the person who took their son away from them and it angers me so much. I care about them, of course I do. They are literally the only godforsaken thing I give two shits about anymore and they are my parents, after all. But they lack understanding for me. They have no idea what I’m going through and why I’m like this. I don’t hate them, but I’m just so angry at them. They try to act like we’re a happy family, but they don’t realize that it’s not possible without Asriel. But it’s not like we’re any kind of family anymore. You see, my parents divorced a few years after Asriel’s death and my mom can’t stand my father. They live in the same town, but still far away from each other. I used to visit dad a lot before but after I went numb, it didn’t really matter anymore. All he does is talk about “staying determined” anyway. I am determined. Determined to hunt down and kill the person who took Asriel away from me.

Oh, god, my life is a fucking mess, isn’t it?


	2. Brown hair, sweet smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this chapter pre-written on paper, so that's why I got it up so early. 
> 
> Again, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> (WARNING: This chapter contains a lot of swearing. Just thought I'd mention it, in case it makes anyone uncomfortable.)

-3rd person’s POV (LV ? HP ??/??)-  
Chara was angry and even more so than usual. Their mother had just informed them that one of her friends was coming over. But not just any friend, no. It just had to be Sans the skeleton.

Now, Chara usually didn’t despise monsters as much as they did humans, but that didn’t mean they liked them either. No. Chara hated everybody. But monsters they could tolerate. All monsters, but one and that ‘one’ was Sans. God, Chara hated that permanent smile and half-assed puns. How did Sans dare to be so damn happy when Chara was so miserable?  
But it was like the whole universe was against them today and Sans would not be coming alone. He would be bringing a friend along with him and that friend just so happened to be a human. Everyone, clap for Chara’s absolutely amazing luck. 

Chara knew that the human’s name was Frisk and that they were 16. Toriel had also babbled something about how great it was that Chara would meet someone who was a lot “like them”. Chara guessed that it meant that the kid was non-binary, mostly because Toriel had referred to them with gender neutral pronouns. She had also been way too excited about it, so that couldn’t be a good sign at all. Toriel probably though that Chara would become friends with them. Haha! How ridiculous.

Chara sighed deeply and was just about to fall face-first into their bed and scream into a pillow, when the doorbell rand. Chara’s head shot up and they half-yelled: “Fuck my life!”  
They really weren’t ready to face Sans’s shitty puns and the human they were supposed to ‘have so much in common with’. Yeah right! Still, not wanting to disappoint their mom even more (not that it was really possible though), they dragged themselves downstairs to greet their quests. Just as they reached the bottom of the stairs, Toriel hurried from the kitchen to open the door. Sans stepped in first and his gaze immediately travelled to the human. He smiled widely. Not a good sign at all. 

“Heya there, kiddo! What’s up, besides the ceiling of course? Still going through that emo phase of yours, I see.” The skeleton chuckled. Chara didn’t even bother to answer, they just shot a death glare at him, their brown eyes flashing red for a blink. Sans looked surprised at that, but then just turned to smile at Toriel and stepped in fully. The human- Frisk -followed close behind. Chara observed them and was actually surprised to see a person who didn’t look like a total loser.

Frisk had dark brown, curly hair that was slightly messy, slightly darker skin that Chara’s and was wearing a light blue hoodie, with a black undershirt and along with jeans. It looked like Sans had some influence in their fashion choices. Chara themselves was dressed in army styled shorts and a white shirt and their hair was a total mess, not that they really cared. When Frisk saw Chara, they smiled at them sweetly and stepped closer to introduce themselves:

“Hi, I’m Frisk. You’re Chara, right? It’s nice to meet you.” They said and offered their hand for the older to shake. Chara eyed Frisk’s hand with a judgemental look in their eyes, scoffed and replied coldly: “Take your fucking shoes off, you’re getting dirt everywhere.”  
“Chara!” Toriel gasped, before Frisk could even react, “That’s not how we treat frien---“

“They’re not my friend, mom. I don’t have friends.” Chara interrupted in a dark tone, with slight bitterness hidden in it. Then they turned on their heel and walked away from them. Just before closing the dining room door behind them, they heard Toriel apologize to the human and Frisk reply something along the lines of: “No worries, Miss Dreemurr. I wasn’t offended at all.”

Miss Dreemurr? Miss? What a disgusting faker, though Chara. How did Frisk just walk into Chara’s home like they owned the place, act grossly cheerfully towards everyone and think that Chara would actually like them and be all “oh-it’s-a-pleasure-to-meet-you-too”? What a poor attempt on their part.

They sat down on the table and lifted their feet on top of it. It didn’t take long for the ‘dream trio’ to come in to interrupt their peace. Sans, of course, had to sit right next to them, but just because that wasn’t quite annoying the human enough, he leaned towards them to whisper something to them. Chara prepared themselves for another one of Sans’ gloriously bad puns or a remark about their life, but his voice was dark and serious instead, when he said:

“Kid, I’m warning you. Don’t insult Frisk like that. I know you’re a teenager and all, but you’re not the only person on Earth with a hard past. Frisk acts like it doesn’t have an effect on them, but in reality, they’re sensitive to stuff like that, so I’m asking you as a friend, don’t treat them like that. I--“

“You’re not my damn friend, dickhead and I sure as hell ain’t yours. And why do you care anyway? Humans have done nothing but hurt monsters and now you’re protecting one?” Chara said back, just as sharply, causing the skeleton to sigh: “This kid, Frisk, they’re different. If you’d just try--“

“I don’t want to fucking try, Sans! I know what humans are like! I used to try! I’ve been trying my whole life and look at me now! Look at what trying did to me! If you’re so blindly in love with them and their fake sweetness, then go the fuck ahead, nobody is stopping you, especially not me, but don’t get me mixed into it! I don’t need anyone!” Chara screamed at the top of their lungs, startling the hell out of Frisk who was sitting across from them. Chara had heard enough of that bullshit. They stood up and began to head for their room. Toriel tried to grab their arm, but they just ripped themselves out of grasp and snarled:  
“Don’t fucking touch me!”

And then they ran away, leaving the three looking after them in confusion.  
“Oh, dear. My apologies for that.” Toriel sighed: “I-I should probably, uh-“

“Tori, it’s no use. The kid is so angry, they’re literally steaming. They’re not gonna listen to you.” Interrupted Sans, placing a calming hand on Toriel’s shoulder.

“I’ll go.” Sans and Toriel both turned to look at Frisk. Sans violently shook his head and replied with a strict ‘no’. Frisk rolled their eyes and smiled: “I want to. Besides it was my fault to begin with. They might not listen to a word I say, but I want to try.”

Sans heaved a heavy sigh, but decided not to stop the human, because when they were determined to do something, it was useless to tell them not to. Frisk nodded at Toriel and headed upstairs. They climbed up the wooden stairs and looked around the stairway as they did so. One picture in particular caught their eye. They stepped in closer to look at the shot. It was a picture of Chara and a kid, Frisk guessed was Asriel. They were pretty small, probably around 9 or 10 years old in the picture. They were sitting on a park bench, with their arms around each other and huge smiles on their faces. Frisk sniggered at the cuteness of the picture. The two were wearing matching green shirts and Chara was missing a tooth. Frisk didn’t know much about Asriel, but from what Sans and Toriel had told them, they wished that they had known him. It was truly sad what happened to him. Frisk kept walking and checked around the second floor. Chara’s room was pretty easy to spot because the door looked like it’d been through a lot and it was almost hanging off the hinges, probably as a result of it being slammed shut many times. They walked up to the door and knocked on it.

“Leave me alone, mom!” Was heard from the other side. It sounded like Chara was leaning against the door and that they were covering their face with their hands. Frisk pressed their forehead against the door and spoke softly:

“It’s Frisk. Hey, uh, I’m really sorry if I did something wr-“

“Oh, come the fuck on! Don’t pretend to be some kind of a perfect human and act like you actually give a crap. I can see right through your bullshit act and let me tell you, mom will too, in time.” Replied Chara, their voice angry. Frisk flinched at that but decided to give talking another try.

“Listen, Chara. I know what you’ve had to go through. I lost my parents as a kid and I understand how hard it must’ve been to lose your brother, but from what I’ve learned, I know that shutting yourself away from everyone isn’t the best idea. My friends have helped me so much and now, I wish that I could do that for someone else. We could talk, y’know.” Frisk explained calmly. Chara stayed quiet for a long time, until finally they replied:

“Don’t you have anything better to do, Frisk? I mean…a weird obsession to befriend me? That’s kinda pathetic. Just leave me alone.”

“Chara, I--fine. I’ll leave. But before I do, Chara, I think that you should know that I really do want to be your friend. I’ll be in contact with Toriel in a few days and it would be nice to talk to you too, but of course you don’t have to reply if you don’t want to, but---you now what? It’s honestly up to you. Talk to you later, maybe….Just, umh, think about it, okay?” Frisk said and then got up and left. They didn’t want to push Chara too much. As they walked down the stairs, they allowed themselves to look at the picture of Chara and Asriel once more. They went back into the kitchen and explained that Chara just wanted to be left alone. Toriel gave them an understanding nod and invited them back to the table to eat pie and drink coffee. They had a good time, laughing at stupid puns and talking about their lives. The clock was around 9 PM when Sans decided that it would be best for both of them to head home before his brother, Papyrus, would freak out and start bombing him with text messages and phone calls. They said their goodbyes and for a moment Frisk hoped that Chara would come downstairs to say bye, but of course that didn’t happened.

Chara laid on the floor of their room, thinking. It was weird, because for once, they didn’t feel hate or anger. It was just nothing, in all of its simplicity. Just Chara and Chara’s thoughts, in the quiet room, until 4 AM, when they made their decision about Frisk.


	3. Blue eyes of betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More about Chara's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I had pre-written so from now on, updates might take a few days, but I'll try to keep them long.
> 
> I hope you like this and that this chapter makes you understand the way Chara acts a bit better ^^
> 
> (WARNING: Mentions of suicide/suicide attempts and cutting. Chara also has an anxiety attack, but the scene isn't very specific.)

Frisk called two days later. Toriel called Chara downstairs to talk with them, and surprising even themselves Chara came down and took the phone. Chara could hear the soft smile in Frisk voice when they greeted Chara. How was this kid still happy to talk to them, even though they’d been so aggressive towards them? Chara’s voice was cautious, when they said ‘hey’ back and continued talking right after:

“Listen, uh, I…I don’t want to be your friend.”

“I know that, Chara.” Frisk was clearly still smiling: “But maybe, we don’t have to be. I mean, just someone to talk to, might be good for both of us, right?” Their voice was very kind and understanding and somehow, it calmed Chara down a bit. They thought for a while, before replying:  
“I-I suppose so.”

“That’s great! We could go out for coffee someday, what do you say?” Frisk exclaimed. Chara’s soul sank and their breath got stuck in their throat. This was not what they expected to happen at all. They we’re freaking the hell out, when they replied in hurry:

“No! I m-mean, n-no, uh, I don’t…I don’t want to act like we’re friends, when we obviously aren’t. I just---this is not the right time at all. I’m just gonna…I’m just gonna go, now. I can’t do this. God, what was I thinking? I---I should’ve never even picked up!” Chara babbled in panic, before finally managing to hang up. They nearly dropped Toriel’s phone on the floor when they set it down on the table and ran upstairs, into their room. They slammed the door shut and locked it, before nearly collapsing on the floor. They were shaky all over and breathing felt like a workout. What the hell was with them? What was this feeling? It almost felt like they were scared, but something was off about it. They’d had moments like this a lot after Asriel’s death, but they’d been gone for a long time. They’d been to a therapist, but never really listened what she’d said to them. Now, they just curled up into a ball and focused on breathing. 

It took at least half an hour for them to completely calm down. Toriel had knocked on their door, asking if they were alright and they had just barely manged to get out a weak and strangled ‘I’m okay’. When they were calm, now just laying on their floor like they always did, they started to go through what had just happened. They had picked up the fucking phone. They couldn’t believe they’d been so stupid. What had they been thinking? Chara wanted nothing to do with Frisk. Frisk would just hurt them like everyone else. Everyone else? ‘Who?’ you might wonder.

There had been a boy after Asriel. A boy who was nice to the sad, broken 12-year-old Chara. A boy who had shown Chara the final truth about humanity. The boy who had turned Chara’s soul black.

-FLASHBACK-

It was a pretty day outside. Everyone was playing football, talking, laughing and generally having a good time. Everyone, but Chara, who sat in the shadow, under a tree, wearing a long sleeved shirt to cover the cuts that criss-crossed their arms. It was hot outside. Really hot. Even in the shadow, where the young human was currently seated. Chara didn’t care. Maybe if they got lucky, they would get dehydrated and die. Tears stained their cheeks, because everything reminded them of Asriel.

A boy was walking towards them now, but much to their surprise, he didn’t walk past them like everyone else always did. No. Instead he stopped in front of them, extended his arm and smiled.

“Hey! My name is ________. What’s yours?” He said. Chara looked up at him. Dark, almost black hair, brightest blue eyes Chara had ever seen and a kind smile. Chara tried to smile too, but it was kind of hard, because they hadn’t done it in a year or so. Their voice was shaky when they replied: “I-I’m Chara.”’

They took the boy’s hand and shook it politely. The boy grinned and complimented their name, before sitting down next to them. And so, started a friendship.   
Chara spent a month with that boy. They felt happy and almost like Asriel was with them again, in a way. They could talk about everything and reveal their darkest and saddest emotions and ___________ would listen. But then the unexpected happened, just out of the blue leaving just Chara, alone, against the world again.

-A MONTH LATER-

“Chara is so stupid. All they do is cry after their dumbass ‘brother’ who went and got himself killed, because he was a gross monster. Oh yeah, and they cut too! What a wimp!”  
“That’s so pathetic I almost feel sorry for them! Haha!”

Chara heard it all. How their “friend” spilled all of the personal information they’d shared with him. How he so carelessly trashed Asriel’s memory. Tears gathered to the corners of their eyes. How were they so blind? They stepped out of the bathroom booth, tears now falling onto their cheeks. They were faced with the blue eyes of betrayal and three other unfriendly looks. 

“What was that about __________?” They questioned, nearly crying. A girl, red hair, green eyes, replies for him, voice sharp: “What did it sound like to you?”  
“But, I-I thought w-we-we’re frien-“

“Hahahah! Did you really think that I hung around with you for any other reason than pity. I don’t care about you, Chara!” ___________ interrupted. Everyone else laughed. Then the evil comments started:

“Crybaby!”

“You're disgusting!”

“Freaky monster-lover!” 

And lastly, the worst one, from no one else than the boy Chara had grown to see as their savior:

“You should just die already! Run home little cutter and slice your wrists a bit more!”

Chara stood there, unable to move for a long moment, until one of the other boys pushed them backwards harshly. Chara fell on the hard bathroom floor and the small voice that was in everyone’s head said: “HP 19/20” They gasped at the stinging pain in their soul and grabbed at the front of their shirt in horror. They stumbled up and exited the unisex bathroom as quickly as they could. Even though their back and soul hurt and they would’ve really needed to rest for a moment, they ran out of the school, through the courtyard and ran, ran and ran, until their legs couldn’t carry them anymore and they collapsed to the side of the road. They grasped their shirt on the spot where their soul was, as heart wrenching sobs came out of their mouth, making it hard for them to breath. Other humans walked by, but nobody stopped to help the poor, pained child. Chara was there for a good 20 minutes, before realizing that nobody was really going to help them. Because nobody cared, at all. They managed to stand up on their wobbly legs and start heading towards home. They we sniffling the whole way but nobody stopped even to ask what was wrong. So, that’s what humans were like, Chara realized.

That night, they tried to kill themselves for the first time. Toriel found them in the filled bathtub, with their clothes on and wrists sliced. She immediately called an ambulance and Chara was taken to the hospital. Chara woke up the next day and upon realizing that their attempt had been unsuccessful, they cried for an hour straight. 

After that, Chara was sad for a long, long time. They attempted suicide twice more, but were unsuccessful each time. They were 13, when their parents started getting into fights and after a while they divorced. Chara blamed themselves. It was just a day before Toriel told Chara that they would be moving away, when Chara heard the two fighting.  
“Tori, why are you like this? We don’t have to fight. We can still be a happy famil-“

“No, Asgore, we cannot! Do you not see that our son Asriel is dead and there’s no way to bring him back? And that’s not all! Chara is losing their mind and they have tried to leave this world three times on their own will and I can’t help them when I’m this unhappy myself! We’re as far from a happy family as three people can be! I can’t do this anymore!”

“Tori-“

“I’m sleeping on the couch. Chara and I are leaving as quickly as we can.”

And they left the day after, leaving Asgore behind. Chara tried to make it work, they really did, balancing between two families and at first it worked, but then at 14, Chara just stopped trying. Everything just lost its meaning. 

-PRESENT DAY-  
Chara laid on the floor with their eyes shut. Their head was hurting from reminiscing the old times and going through that unusual rollercoaster of emotions. Their hands balled into fists. What would’ve happened if they had never known Blue Eyes? If they could only go back. Maybe…just maybe they wouldn’t have to hate everyone so much then? Whatever. Thinking that was useless now.

Chara sighed and climbed into their bed, knowing they wouldn’t sleep. What was so damn different about Frisk that made them stay in Chara’s head?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason why I wrote the name of 'Blue Eyes' as ___________, is just because I kind of wanted it to seem like he was an unimportant character, an unnamed player.


	4. Running away from your problems is a great solution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chara meets Asgore and things don't go as smoothly as they hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so so sooo sorry this chapter took so long. I had a lot of stuff going on and a bit of writers block but it's finally here. I'm sorry if it's a bit boring but the next chapter (that I will try to get up quicker) will have Chara-Frisk interaction.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, as always.
> 
> (Warnings: Mentions of suicide attempts, cursing/swearing, cutting, self-hate)

Chara gave up at 7 AM. Their thoughts just weren't going to let them sleep. So they got out of bed and made their way to the upstairs bathroom, very slowly, dragging their feet. They didn't even want to look into the mirror, because they knew that there were huge bags underneath their eyes and that they had pimples. It was nothing they didn't know was there, so why look at it again and feel bad afterwards? They took off their top layers of clothes and just threw them into the washing machine almost angrily. They realized that they'd worn their binder for at least 13 hours, but it didn't matter. What was one more cracked rib, right? They took it off too and placed it on top of the washing machine. They shed the rest of their clothes and stepped under the shower. They turned the water from cold to hot and turned it on. The first bit of water that hit their back was freezing, but it warmed up quickly. Chara didn't feel like washing their hair, but they did it anyway, knowing that it would make Toriel happy. They bitterly laughed at the thought: you have to be pretty pathetic if your mom is proud that you washed your fucking hair, they thought to themselves. After washing the shampoo out of their hair, that was slightly too long for their liking, they just stood there, frozen, haunted by the thoughts that had kept them up all night. What if they would start being Frisk's friend? What if they would feel something around them? What if Frisk turned out to be exactly like Blue eyes? Why did they even think about these things? It was stupid. They'd promised themselves to never befriend another human again, so why even think about the possibilities? Frisk was just a human among the others. Just another human. There was nothing different about them. Frisk was a person, painfully nice, maybe faking, maybe not, quite attractive, sure, potentially great as a friend, but they were nothing but a human. A human, Chara did certainly not trust. Frisk was born once, they were living now and then, at some point they would die. Nothing different. So why did they stay stuck in Chara's head?

It took Chara at least half an hour to get out of the shower, feeling even more tired than they did before getting in. They dried themselves up, put a towel around their thin body and stepped out of the bathroom. They walked back into their room and sat on their bed for a few minutes, staring blankly at a wall, before mustering up the energy to put on clean clothes. They ended up putting on a comfortable pair of boxers and a red, oversized t-shirt that had the text 'Excuse my face' on the front. They knew they'd mostly just stay in their room all day so the outfit choice didn't really matter. The sleeves of the shirt were slightly longer than a normal t-shirt's because it was at least four sizes too big for the human, but their scarred arms were still very visible. And that wasn't all. Looking down, their thighs and legs were also full of cuts. Chara had gotten used to seeing them already. They had cuts everywhere, so seeing them wasn't necessarily avoidable. Toriel still looked sad whenever she saw them, but had stopped talking about them a few years ago. Asgore had never really even seen them, but he knew they were there, because of the fact that he'd always been at Chara's bedside after they'd tried to commit suicide. Five times in total. It was unbelievable how they were still alive. First time, by slicing their wrists, second time, overdosing on painkillers, third time, they jumped in front of a moving car and broke their arm, leg and had a concussion, fourth time they tried overdosing again and the fifth and the most recent time, they were going to jump off a bridge, but the police and their parents arrived at the scene and got them to not jump. They half-laughed, half-sniffled as they thought: "I must be really damn pathetic, since I can't even kill myself correctly."

They felt weird. They didn't exactly feel sad, but there was some weird emotion, deep in their chest, making them feel uneasy. Maybe the emotional roller coaster they'd gone through the other day had triggered it. Maybe talking to Frisk had triggered it. Who the hell knows? All Chara knew was that they weren't feeling up to anything, but they needed to do something to distract themselves from the uncomfortable feeling. They circled around their room, thinking about what to do, when their mom, yelled from downstairs:

"Chara, your father just called me. He'd like to see you. Can you come downstairs?" 

'Fuck', thought Chara. Seeing Asgore wasn't really something they wanted to do today. They cared for Asgore, but spending time with him wasn't like a walk in the park. Asgore's attitude towards them had changed after their many suicide attempts and now all he ever spoke of was "not giving up" and "having hope". Chara didn't need hope. And giving up? They'd given up years ago. Still, Chara went downstairs to hear what their father had said. 

Toriel was in the kitchen, sitting at the table, looking worried. Chara walked into the room and sat across from her, nodding their head as a sign for Toriel to speak. Toriel sighed and spoke:

"So as I said, Asgore called me. He misses you and he was thinking if you'd like to go somewhere with him today to talk and catch up."

"I'm not sure mom. I mean...I just feel like absolute shi-" Chara started, but Toriel interrupted them by continuing in a worried tone:"You never go anywhere anymore. You've almost only been at home after the day at the bridge. It was months ago and I worry for you. You know my opinion of your father, but I think that perhaps, especially after your call with Frisk yesterday, it might be good for you to do something else than sit at home."

Chara sighed heavily, hanging their head in defeat. Toriel was right, like usually. They should go meet up with Asgore. After all, they hadn't seen him in five months, not after their latest suicide attempt. Sure, why not? Chara nodded and said: "Yeah, okay, I'll go."

Toriel smiled and promised to call Asgore back while Chara went to change. The human went back up to their room and after looking through their closet for at least 15 minutes, they ended up choosing a white dress-shirt, with a green t-shirt on top of it and brown shorts along with black leggings. After pulling on the clothes, they walked back into the bathroom and forced themselves to look into a mirror. Just what they expected. Ugly. Scary looking even. With a scoff, they brushed their hair, that still after that, looked like crap and then proceeded to put on some eyeliner and mascara. After that, they didn't look half-bad. Maybe a bit more satanic, to be honest. Cool. At least it would keep any snot-nosed brats away from them.

After that they walked down the stairs, into the kitchen, talked with Toriel, you know the drill. Toriel said that Asgore was fine with meeting up where ever and whenever Chara liked to. Chara was bad at making plans, so they just quickly decided to meet up at 10.00 at a nice local cafe. Lame. They knew. But it was the only thing they could think of. 

Chara took the bus, not wanting to bother Toriel by asking her to take them, even though she would've probably been more than happy to drive them. In the bus they had to listen to some kid practically scream and wail for the whole way and some basic bitch teenagers behind them talking shit about their appearance, but they felt too worn out to even care. The walk to the cafe was longer than they remembered and they had to stop half-way when they accidentally bumped into an older woman who started screaming at them. 

The clock was 10.15 when they arrived at the cafe. They looked around and spotted their father sitting at one of the tables. Asgore noticed them at the same time and waved, with a smile on his face. Chara sat across from him and tried to smile back. Asgore was the first to speak.

"How are you, my child?" He asked, seeming actually interested in the answer. The human laughed dryly and replied: "Don't ask me something when you know you won't like the answer. I still feel like nothing and I still hate myself. Nothing's changed. Never will." 

"Chara..." Asgore began, but Chara just shook their head as a sign for him to stop. They didn't need any worthless pity. Asgore lowered his gaze, and shut his mouth. The silence between them lasted for an awkward minute until Asgore spoke again:

"You were late so I took the liberty of ordering you a chocolate coffee, since I remembered that you like chocolate." Chara smiled half-heartedly and nodded their head as thanks. It didn't take long for the waitress to bring Chara the coffee and Asgore, some green tea. They sat there, small talking fairly awkwardly, until Chara decided it was time to apologize:

"Dad, I'm sorry I haven't come to see you. It's just that...it doesn't seem worth it anymore."

"Chara. It's okay. That is not the only reason I wanted to see you today. The real reason is that I worry so much about you. You just stay at home, don't you? You never go out with friends or anything? I wish you could live a life, dear child and not just waste your youth on grieving." Asgore talked in a soft, love-filled voice, but for some reason it just made Chara feel even worse. Their hands clenched into fists when they answered, voice angry: "I am fine, dad. I don't need friends. I miss Asriel and nothing can change that. Humans disgust me and nothing can change that. You're just going to have to deal with it. I don't need a life, I need to find the fucker who took Asriel away from us."

"Asriel is dead, Chara. It is sad, but that is how it went. We cannot just stop living along with him." Asgore tried explaining, but Chara's voice only went higher, to the point where they were speaking louder than their father: "Don't you miss Asriel at all? He was--no, he still is your son and a biological one at that! Don't you care that the police aren't even trying?"

"Of course I miss my son--"

"You don't act like it."

"Chara, listen right now. I miss Asriel. I can't go a day without him crossing my mind. But he is gone. You're still here and I do not wish to lose you too." Asgore sounded tired, but Chara was furious, filled with newfound energy. Now they were already nearly screaming:

"Seeing how you react to your son being dead makes me wish I would've managed to fucking kill myself. You wouldn't have probably even batted an eyelash. Well guess what? This is exactly why I don't visit you anymore. Because you're a shitty father who doesn't even care. And also just so you know, I've been gone ever since I realized that humanity is shit." Asgore looked mortified and tried to call out his child's name in a vain attempt to stop them from dashing out, but Chara was too far gone. Their eyes flashed an angry red again and they looked ready to stab anyone who dared to stand in their way as they ran out of the cafe. Chara ran, and ran, until they were so out of breath that they had to stop and sit on a park bench. Dashing out of situations that made them angry was becoming a beloved hobby for them. 

How could Asgore just speak of Asriel like that? Just without showing any emotion at all? Had he ever cared? Something wet fell on Chara's arm and they looked up, expecting to see rain clouds, but there were none. The sky was clear. They felt another drop on their cheek and wiped it on their sleeve. Just water? Where was it coming from? The world started looking blurry and that's when the human realized. They were crying. Or not crying, but tears were involuntarily falling down their face. Why? This was the first time they'd teared up in years. They hated it. They wiped their eyes again, hoping nobody else saw. 

Asriel. Talking of Asriel was of course the reason. Asriel was the only thing that made them feel. And when Asriel was betrayed, so was Chara. Chara chuckled sourly. Asriel would've cried even more, like the silly crybaby he was. They took out their phone to check what their makeup looked like. Not that bad actually. Not in need of immediate fixing. 

They should just go home. Going out to town obviously wasn't good for them. Just as they were about to stand up, they froze in place. Sans was there, across the street, with Papyrus. No fucking way. Chara tried to sit back down and cover up but it was too late. Papyrus turned to look at them and broke into a wide grin. He tugged at Sans' hoodie and then pointed at Chara, happily babbling something the human couldn't hear. Sans didn't look happy, but nodded his head at his little brother with a smile anyway and the two started walking towards Chara. Fucking hell. 

They reached the human quickly and Papyrus was all smiles when he greeted them. Chara didn't reply; just looked away, ignoring Sans' annoyed glare. Papyrus started talking about something that didn't interest Chara at all and they just wanted to leave. They NEEDED to get away. So they stood up and said: "I don't have time, I have to go." 

But Sans blocked their way. Chara stepped back and stood there, looking defiantly into Sans' blank eyesockets, knowing that their own eyes were switching between red and brown. Sans' body stilled, but he tried to look chill when he questioned: "What's the rush, kiddo? I mean, it almost seems like rushing is becoming something you do on a daily basis. Running out in the middle of a conversation, ending a call with Frisk and now this? If I didn't know better, I'd say you don't like us."

"I don't-" Chara started as they stepped forward and shoved Sans backwards a bit: "fucking like you." They finished, voice dark. Chara had never seen Sans look even the slightest bit scared, but now they could see a distant twinkle of fear, sparkle in his eyes. His hand was lifted slightly and Chara knew that he was ready to use magic on them, but they didn't care. They felt extremely trapped and anxious and they had to get away right now. They shoved Sans once more for good measure and snarled: "I need to go and you're in my way, you disgusting, punny, sack of shit."

And then they just pushed past the short skeleton, walking way. They had to get away. Their mind screamed 'get away, get away, get away getawaygetawaygetaway they're nothing but obstacles'.

They decided to walk home, instead of taking a bus and risking that they'd hurt someone. They were in this mood again. The mood where they just wanted to fight. Where they just wanted to punch someone and feel their nose cracking, to hear the disgustingly satisfying crack of breaking bones. But this was fine. This was a mood Chara could handle. This was a mood Chara experienced a lot. They could've punched Sans. They should've punched Sans, but they didn't want to A. Get slammed to a tree by blue magic or B. Get arrested for the sixth time in their life. 

Chara cracked their knuckles as they walked, deciding that when they got home, their wall could take a few punches, just to get the edge off. Then they would lay in their room, in all of their anger and hate and just hate Asgore, hate Sans, hate Papyrus and especially hate Frisk. That sounded like a plan.

It took Chara for around 20 to get back home. They opened the door, stepped in and kicked their shoes off. Toriel appeared from the kitchen and greeted them, asking how the meeting had went. 

"Fucking shit. Should've never listened to your worthless advice." Replied Chara, flashing Toriel a very angry look. Their mother took a step back and gasped, but said nothing more as Chara hurried upstairs, knocking down the picture of them and Asriel as they went. They slammed their door shut, harder than they'd ever had before, almost slamming it off the hinges completely. After that they just punched their hard concrete wall, repeatedly, until their fingers and knuckles were covered in bruises. Then they basically tumbled down on their floor and screamed out of frustration. 

They wanted to die again. They wanted to die so bad. Not out of sadness, no. Chara sure as fucking hell did not feel sadness, but out of frustration at life. Out of tiredness. After a while, they decided against it though, thinking they would only just survive again. What they did do though, was grab a pair of scissors and drag them across their already scarred arms, sides and legs, creating bleeding and painful cuts all over. It didn't even matter anymore. It wasn't like anybody cared anyway. They didn't bother to bandage their wounds. They just laid there, feeling nothing again, like it was supposed to be. Nobody would care. Nobody would. Nobody.

 

'Everybody would...'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick thing I wanted to say here:
> 
> 1\. If you do self-harm, please don't keep it all to yourself, talking about it will help and also after cutting please take care of your cuts and don't just leave them like that. Also; life gets better, even if you don't think so, you will have brighter days and you will be happy so don't end it. Suicide is not the best option. I love all of you.
> 
> 2\. The reason that Chara's eyes flash red when they get angry will be explained later.
> 
> 3\. ALSO TAKE CARE WHEN YOU BIND PEEPS. Do not wear your binder for over 8 hours because you could faint and/or have broken ribs. So if you're trans or non-binary and you bind, please, please take proper care of your body while doing so, your health is more important than the fact whether you have boobs or not. I know that dysphoria is a bitch, as a person who experiences it on a daily basis, but being healthy is more important than that.


	5. So, it's been a while

So, yeah, it has been a very long while since I've updated this fanfiction and I have honestly completely forgotten about it. I just suddenly got really bad writer's block and I forgot that this story even existed, but no I re-read this and though I can't promise a 100% that I will have regular updates but I'm thinking of starting to write this again because I actually like the plot and where I was going with it. So yeah, I do have a lot to do at the moment because my finals are coming up (I literally have my Swedish finals tomorrow eeeek) but I might start writing this again soon.


End file.
